But then again, I’m not.
You might not understand this now but…
Your estimated arrival is not yet a thought.
I have always wanted to meet you.
But the timing was never right.
If you knew the world I live in,
You would know that survival for a brown child like you won’t come without a fight.
I’ve waited and waited for the day,
That I would meet someone to help me. Help me bring you into this world.
But I don’t know how the future will be.
This world isn’t ready for you yet,
No matter how much I love you unconditionally.
So until then I block you out of my mind,
Knowing that you already exist in my heart.
You must understand, I’m still a child, raising herself to become a woman.
My parents didn’t think of my experience when they brought me in world.
When I was raised by your great grandmother,
I learned that my scars would turn into a book of lessons.
I learned that my injuries that kept me from having babies during recovery are what kept you safe.
I thought about you many times,
Anxious with each opportunity that arose,
And disappointed by the loneliness of expectation.
Expectation of reliability, or safety and commitment with each relationship.
I had to learn that love doesn’t feel forced, nor does it feel selfish.
I learned this from tragic attempts at love and partnership.
I learned this from broken children disguised as parents.
I learned this from drugs and self destruction being normalized as self care.
You will learn that your blood comes from generations of rape, assimilation, conquest and patriarchy.
It also comes from love, compassion and resilience. This is why I want your creation to come from love and not trauma. Everything I’m going through is why you are going through, because you’re not born but you have always been part of my life with all of its fragility.
I don’t want you mistakened for a criminal.
I don’t want you to be killed by state violence.
I don’t want you to be missing or murdered.
I’ll never be ready to lose something I created.
You see, my love.
I have been ready for you.
But the world isn’t.
That’s why we will wait.